Ian was at a party, having the time of his life. At some point during the night he discovered he’d lost his wallet. Eager to find it, he stood on a chair and shouted “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over $500 in cash inside. I’m offering $50 to whoever returns it.” Then another man spoke up from the back of the room: “I’m offering $75!”
John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”
“Wow,” said The Banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?”
“Just gave him some pills,” replied John.
“What kind of pills?” asked The Banker?
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a “beautiful” real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
“Hey, are you okay, what’s your name?”
“Willis,” he replied.
“Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
“Well okay,” Willis finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart!
An elderly man is stopped by the police walking on the side of the road at 1:00 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred racing, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 5th grade. ”No, ma’am’, he replied.. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.’
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Montana cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days. “Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?” “Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied. “Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked. The old cowboy pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.”
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch
and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were
busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing
the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became
an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the
No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing
them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully this year,
the bells are not always audible.
The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year’s term was Political Correctness.
The winner wrote:
“Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which maintains that it is possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.”
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. ‘Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,’ he said. ‘I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.’
‘You’re on, old man,’ the braggart replied. ‘Let’s see you do it.’
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, ‘All right, Dumb Ass, get in.’
At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank — they let three goats loose in the school. But, before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1, 2, 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that
the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of
The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan
officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the
bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multi- millionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Italian replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Ah, The Italians!
A Couple, Moe and Flo, both well into their 80’s, go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks “What can I do for you?”
Moe says, “Will you watch us make love?”
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, and charges them $50 and says goodbye.
The next week the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have intercourse with no problems, they pay the doctor and leave.
Finally after six weeks of this routine the doctor asks, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask, Just what are you two trying to find out?”
Moe says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married, and we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!”
A general at Offutt Air Force Base called the Motor Pool and asked for a Jeep. A private at the Motor Pool answered the phone,
“I’d like a jeep sent to my office at once,” said the general.
“I’m sorry, sir, we have no jeeps at this motor pool. All we have is limousines.”
“Why do you have limousines and no jeeps?”, inquired the general.
“Well, you see,sir, we have to keep a lot of limousines for all these fat-a__ed generals on this base.”
“Is that so?,” said the general. “Do you know who you’re talking with?”
“No, sir, I don’t.”
“This is General Curtis Lemay!”
“Do you know who you’re talking to?,” asked the private.
“No, I don’t,” said General Lemay.
Would you pass a car with this license plate?
A mechanic was busy removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
Harley-Davidson motorcycle when a well-known heart surgeon entered his shop.
The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike
when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, can I ask you a
The doctor, a bit surprised, walked over.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “Doc, look
at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, fix them, put ’em
back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So why do I get such a
small salary and you get big bucks, when you and I are basically doing the
The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it
with the engine running.”
THE OUTHOUSE POEM
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
“Where is the ladies restroom, sir?”
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed…just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log – jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell – got up and then
in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he’d devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He’d wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop this whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
“Will you please use the other hole,
We’re painting under here!”